How to Deal With the Psycho Ex
We’ve all been there. Admit it. You haven’t lived until you went batsh!t crazy obsessed over a failed relationship. Thankfully, I got my crazy handled in my 20’s. I did the whole drive by his house, his job, show up at the same bar madness. It was a great learning experience that led me to develop the best code I will always live by. “I will absolutely NOT ever, never, ever, never, EVER compete. I’m just too pretty, confident, smart and strong a woman to compete with another woman for any man. Bottom line, either he wants you or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t and he’s made it clear, move on… swiftly. For those dealing with this post break-up nuisance, here’s how to deal with the psycho ex.
Prepare a very clear, concise statement.
This is where my 20 years of public relations experience comes in handy. When I did pharmaceutical PR we always had to have some prepared statement in case the monkeys or lab rats died. Similarly, this is the death of a relationship; sort of a crisis for the person who still wants to give it a shot. So you have to be very deliberate in your speech. Your “key messages” need to be on point. The person will want to know why you are choosing to deny them access to your life. Why do you want it over? They will demand to know all 137 reasons. So this statement is intended to offer them closure and you peace. Yes, it sounds a bit formal but hey; do you want to get rid of this person or what? Here’s the statement.
Initial Break Up: “I love myself too much to continue this relationship. There are many things that don’t work for me but the main one is (insert main gripe here). It’s an issue that can’t be resolved. I don’t love you enough to work this out. We tried. I made my decision. I wish you well.”
Of course there will be subsequent conversations, emails, texts, all kind of emotional fallout. There will be anger, mushy good memories, olive branches to try for friendship yadda,yadda yadda. They will want to talk, (break up code word for manipulate) because they want you back and are too messed up in their own head and are deaf to the fact that you don’t want them. Even when the psycho ex knows they were wrong and that they made deal breaking mistakes that pushed you too far resulting in your finally ending it; they will still try. When this happens; shorten the statement.
Phase 2 Break Up (up to 1 month after): “Look, there’s really not much to discuss. I made my decision and I’m happy with it. I’m not interested in getting back together.”
Clear and to the point. Now if this person has a shred of self worth, that will be it. They will never contact you again and begin their own healing process. However, if the person is a maladjusted head case; they will continue in their relentless pursuit of you. This is when they take the turn for pathetic.
Phase 3 Break Up (2 – 4 months after): “I’ve moved on. I’m seeing someone. Stop trying to communicate with me.”
Once you’re at this level, and deliver this statement, you must NOT under any circumstances engage with this person anymore; at all. Sure you tried to be nice saying you’ll remain friends but once the post break-up psycho shenanigans started making you question their mental state; friendship was clearly out of the question. Usually revealing that you’re seeing someone else would be the thing to get the psycho ex to stop communicating with you. I mean where’s the dignity? When their mind is set on being with you they’re like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator looking for Sarah Connor. They will not stop. They’ll stalk Facebook, they’ll stalk your new person’s Facebook, they’ll get even more creative, confrontational and a whole new level of pathetic. At this point, you blocked them from Facebook, all social media for that matter and your phone. They only have your email and will use it. Now if you are happy with your new person, there’s no need to respond to the psycho ex. Your mantra becomes, “I’m not even going to respond. I’m too busy and happy in my new relationship.”
However, if you have the smallest propensity for drama and don’t want to lose the new person who is treating you well; here’s what you respond with… via e-mail.
Phase 4 Break Up (after 4 months): “(Name of psycho ex) I have clearly explained I am not interested in being with you. I have moved on with someone else. You continue to harass me. The only solution I can offer is an invitation to meet me and (name of current person). Given we are both very happy moving forward together and you have proven to be nothing but a gnat at a campfire; you clearly need closure. (Name of new person) and I will be at (name of restaurant) this Friday between 8pm and 10pm. We decided it would be best to meet you face to face together. Swing by. We’ll talk.
So now the psycho ex knows the new relationship is serious. Bringing the new person in to squish drama means your loyalty has now shifted to them. You truly have moved on and your actions show it. It tells the psycho ex that you’ve been honest with the new person and that together you are forming a unified front against the psycho ex, pest. If the psycho ex is a no show on the face to face meeting and takes it to EXTREME PSYCHO level; (stalking, property damage) that’s when restraining orders, harassment suits and all the legal mumbo jumbo starts. Hopefully it won’t come to that.
The key here is to keep it classy, firm and lead with intelligence. If the communication continues, you can always cut paste the same thing to them. “I’ve moved on. You should too.”
Lisa Concepcion is the founder of LoveQuest Marketing, a personal development firm that applies proven marketing techniques and tactics to teach people how to find, give and keep love. Based in Miami, Florida; Lisa is a self proclaimed “Love Strategist” who offers group workshops, one-on-one sessions and writes and speaks on the topic of dating, relationships and individual betterment. Connect with Lisa via Facebook and Twitter @lisatakesmiami